Moving Out

I promise I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve just been hibernating…sorta. I’ve been wanting to write again, but I quickly realized I’d get nowhere with all those ideas floating in my head until I wrote about our move.

Some back story: Husband Darling and I had been talking about moving into our own place after six years of living with my mother as a couple (eleven for Kidlet and me altogether). My mom and I have a really good relationship, but we had been butting heads over how to run the household. We compromised a great deal, but there were a few things neither of us could let go and change. Nothing wrong with either of our ways. just not compatible in the same house. So HD and I started looking around Portland to see about becoming home owners ourselves. We quickly realized that based on our income, there was no way we could afford to buy a house where we wanted to live.

Then in September 2015  SweetBee made an emergency trip to Tucson to see her Tata (grandfather) who fell very ill and was not expected to pull through. In the weeks she was gone, she decided to stay to be her Nana’s (grandmother) caregiver after her Tata passed and get her out of the hellaciously expensive nursing home she was in. She knew I had desires to travel the country and suggested we could stay with her on occasion as a home base. Seed planted years ago just took root and sprouted.

That winter was less than kind to me healthwise. My chronic pain always worsened in that time of year, but this time I had finally started seeing my acupuncturist friend who diagnosed me with chronic inflammation. I already knew my main allergen is mold. If you know anything about the Pacific NW, you know it rains a crap ton there. Mold is inevitable no matter what time of year. HD and I flew down to Tucson in February to see our SweetBee and visit the area. We both noticed a dramatic decrease in body pain. Mine went from my usual of 6-7/10 to nearly non-existent. Even HD noted that an absence of pain he didn’t realize he had until it wasn’t present. Huh. Dry heat it is!

The next few months we made plans to move to Tucson after the school year ended for Kidlet. We packed, we visited friends and family, and we even hosted a bon voyage party in June to say farewell to everyone we could. SweetBee had flown up to help us finish packing and drive our moving truck to Arizona. We left on the afternoon of July 9th with sullen teenager and three freaked-out cats in tow. Fortunately we pulled into Tucson in time for tacos made by SweetBee’s dad, Papa Bear, with only a few mishaps along the way. I had forgotten to replace the gas cap (it wasn’t attached to the tank opening) when I went into the station to get the receipt, and it flew off the step where I placed it as we were driving down the road. We had to MacGyver it with a hair tie and plastic bag until we could get a replacement from U-Haul the next day. HD had also misplaced his debit card on that same fuel stop and canceled his card right away. Turned out he had stashed it in a nook on the dash and forgotten he’d done so. We spent a few frantic minutes searching for missing kitties who found a hidden, seemingly inaccessible space under the motel bed. I was certain they escaped the door as we were bringing in overnight bags. Certainly worse things have happened in a move across the country (okay, just 1500 miles), so I’m grateful that was the worst of it.

Papa Bear graciously opened his home and allowed us to stay with them for the next year. Six adults in one house was tight, but we made it work as best we could. Husband and I started house hunting about two years ago. After three months of searching with our amazing and hilarious realtor, we found this cute little house on the southwest side. When we first entered we both felt like the house was welcoming us home. We found it charming and cozy. Bees had attempted to take up residence in the roof, so I took that as our sign that this house was supposed to be ours. I did the proverbial “I licked it, it’s mine!” thing. Only one other showing happened in the two weeks it took us to finally make an offer. It was a roller coaster ride of loops and twists, but we finally closed on June 28, 2017 and took possession of our new home a week later. We named our house Casita del Girasol, and we love her.

Home ownership has stretched our adulting skills. Girasol has much potential that we’d like to build upon once we have the fundage. There’s a storage shed in back I want to convert into a guest house. All the windows need to be replaced. I want to add an Arizona catio off the back where our bedroom is and solar panels for the house. At some point we’ll need to replace the 10+ year old HVAC and the roof. That’s just the short list!

So that’s the last few years in a nutshell. All to say: I’m Baaaaa-aaaack!

Phoenix in Flight

The last of my back tattoo has finally been completed today. It’s been a grueling, yet healing experience over this past year. At a couple of points during today’s session I needed Jesse to stop so I could regroup and begin meditating again. The places on my back that were so very tender just a few short months ago have let go of the tension and pain it once held onto so tightly. One of the best and most important lessons I learned from the Unicorn was fine tuning my meditation. I haven’t yet returned to daily meditation, but that will be changing soon.

I’m so glad Husband Darling came with me today despite only getting a few hours of sleep after getting home from work this morning. He held my hand, made sure I had rose quartz in the other, and talked me through the rougher patches. I’m so grateful to him for being my anchor. I could have pushed through today without him, but his grounding presence made all the difference between being somewhat tired or feeling wiped out at the end.

Once my back fully heals, I’ll be posting pictures of the final results. Jesse is an amazing artist, and I can’t gush enough about him! I am deeply honored to wear his art on my body. My phoenix is beautiful and everything I had envisioned a couple of years ago when I caught of glimpse of what she would be in the mirror as I passed by. Look out, Universe! The Phoenix is about to take flight.

Pain is Only a Symptom

I have been thinking about doing an update on the progress of the phoenix tattoo I began last June. I’m about 12 hours into the work and still have at least two more sessions to go. I won’t be posting pictures until it is completely done and healed, but I can honestly say it’s freaking GORGEOUS! My tattoo artist is creating a beautiful work of art, and I’m very honored to be the canvas. Jesse is A-maz-ing.

I got my first tattoo when I was 20 years old. I have a sweet little swan about the size of a 50 cent coin on my left hip. After the first, I was hooked. I got another tattoo about a year after the first, but 10 years passed before I began to get more. I have nine tattoos altogether now, with the phoenix still in progress. Most of my body art can be completely hidden under clothes. Only my “permanent jewelry” (a bracelet and wedding ring) can be seen with any regularity. Like most (all??) people who have gotten tattoos, I’ve been asked many times if getting the tattoos hurt. My usual answer is, “Of course. All tattoos hurt, just a matter of how much per individual and location.” Though the bracelet didn’t actually cause me pain, just annoyance.

When I discovered kink (BDSM) over 20 years ago, I was surprised and oddly relieved to find that experiencing pain could be pleasurable. I also found that emotional pain could be released through physical outlets. I once begged a former lover to continue to physically hurt me during one intimate occasion because at least the emotional pain I was feeling due to a failing relationship could have some sort of release. He wisely stopped but the moment did let him know just how much I was hurting from the other relationship. That moment is when I understood how cathartic physical pain could be.

Experiencing physical pain became a way for me to release emotional pain that had built up over my lifetime. I have sought kink relationships ever since that one moment to help me let go of past hurts and heal the scars others had left on my heart. Husband Darling is a wonderful and gentle lover. He does what he can to indulge my kinks, but inflicting pain doesn’t sit well with him. In the seven years we have been together, I’ve gotten more tattoo work, including my wedding band. The ritual of being tattooed had become a spiritual experience for me aside from the cathartic release pain always has been. What a powerful experience body modification is!

How do you make your tattoo artist cry? Start sobbing mid-session. Yesterday’s tattoo session was painful both physically and emotionally. Jesse was hitting my metaphysical emotional center, and my mid-back seared with overwhelming pain. Tears were streaming down my face as I was finally able to grieve the loss of the relationship with Q’ouarin (Yeah, that happened recently, and no, I’m not discussing it). I’m feeling better today, but still a bit fragile from the experience and lack of sleep afterwards.

Each bit of art I’ve had stuck to my body has been worth every penny and all the pain. They mark different phases of my life, and the stories and memories I have during those times have been significant times for me. From coming of age to marrying the Love of my Life to celebrating transitions, I have something that will always remind me of where I was on my life’s Journey at various times. I am grateful for the catharsis of tattooing because it has helped me to heal in many ways.

Reflections on 2014

I know it’s been a long time since I posted anything to my blog. I’ve spent most of 2014 with my head down and regrouping after the demise of the 4-corner relationship Husband Darling and I were in. Becoming a hermit was quite appealing for a time, but I also knew that what I truly needed was to withdraw from my very active social life to work on myself again. I had ignored my spiritual self for far too long. I realized I had taken a wrong turn on my life path and found myself lost. I asked the Universe for help with my spirituality and went back to where I knew I was happy–healing others. So I got my license and resume in order.

I applied at the place where I had been receiving massage for the past few years. The clinic administrator had already put forth a soft offer for me to work for her if other places didn’t work out for me. The day I dropped off my resume, I had an impromptu interview with the CA and the regional manager who happened to be in the clinic that day. I also did my practical (giving massage) to the RM then. I gave them my availability and was told to come back in three days for training. I started the following week and have been at that clinic for nearly a year now. I’ve amassed a loyal following in a very short time. By the time mid-September hit, not only was the rest of the month booked but so was the entire month of October! Most of my clients are regulars. Admittedly I have a few favorites, including a pregnant woman who is having her first child after many years of her and her husband trying to get pregnant. Oh! How I love working with expecting mothers! There is nothing more beautiful in my eyes than a woman pregnant with child.

Healing others has been my calling for well over a decade now. Being able to help others heal their bodies is gratifying and humbling. There are days when I’d rather be home because I am tired or want to spend more time with Husband Darling, but the pull of my clients motivates me to go. I am one of the lucky few who absolutely loves their job. The human body is endlessly fascinating, and I simply don’t get bored (unless someone just wants to be petted for their entire session). The unexpected bonus from working my very physical job is that I’ve lost inches throughout the trunk of my body.

Accepting my body has been a lifetime achievement. Once I had Kidlet my modesty button was pretty much removed. Hard to feel embarrassed when several people are looking and poking at my vagina before, during, and after labor. One of the things I taught my massage students is the sooner and more completely you can feel comfortable in your own skin, the better therapist you will be. Clients will be able to tell if you have body issues. Touch does not lie. If you feel uncomfortable, so will they. Moving regularly for hours at a time sculpted my body. When my bestie got engaged as asked me to be one of her matrons of honor, I set out to find a dress. I found something I liked online and went to the brick and mortar store to try it on. I knew I had lost weight/inches but not how much. I was amazed to discover I had dropped two dress sizes! I still get asked what I did to lose weight. I’ll even give all here my secret to successful weight loss:

•  Belief that my job was good exercise so I should lose weight/inches.
• Embracing a positive mental attitude.

That’s it. I really haven’t changed too much else in my life. I’ve been slowly changing over the years eating habits and healthier food choices. Working a physical job has helped me rebuild my strength and endurance. The pain I’ve been living with for years has lessened. More than anything else I’ve done, I fully believe that it’s my change of attitude that’s done the most good. I decide whether or not I’m going to have a good day. More often than not I wake up on the Awesome Side of the bed. When others ask me how I’m doing, my answer is almost always positive in some way. I stopped focusing so much on the bad and started focusing more on the good. I’m amused by the typical response of silence as they take that in or wait for the “bad news” that rarely comes. I’ve noticed that more and more of those who are closer to me have started focusing on what’s positive in their lives as well. Our conversations are usually full of happy news or troubleshooting problems instead of bitching about what’s wrong in our lives. I’m loving this trend! I’ve continued being positive even through social media. When I find myself answering someone’s post with anger or resentment, I scrap the whole thing unless I can find a positive, non-confrontational way to respond.

The nifty thing about social media is I’ve been able to meet and friend many wonderful people over the years. As I’ve told Husband Darling some of my Heart Family are people I simply haven’t met in person yet. In early November I picked up a few new followers on Twitter. One person in particular I was interacting with regularly almost from the start. He and his wife were somewhat new to polyamory and had been coming to meetups here in the Portland area for awhile now. My internet 6th sense kicked in and told me these were Good People. I offered to meet with them on a Friday after work, and we did. I immediately liked both of them and wondered if they’d be open to hugs, because as some of you know I’m a very huggy person. Lucky for me I didn’t even have to ask because Q’ouarin (the husband) asked me first. He hugs the way I love–full body and with enthusiasm.

From there forward things moved fast between us. We had our first date November 28th. Uty (the wife) and Q spent the long weekend over Christmas with us. Yes, Scrooge McKitten got over the bah! humbug! of the holidays and actually got into the Yule spirit. And remember when I stated earlier that I had asked the Universe for spiritual guidance? Yeah, that came in the form of Q’ouarin as well. He is a unicorn otherkin (more on this in a future post) and was looking for someone like me himself. The Universe answered us both, and boy! has it been a wild ride so far!

My life has changed and is changing rapidly for the better in just a few short weeks. I’m back on my chosen path of being Love and Light and expect I likely won’t recognize the person I am now in a year. I’m planning to write more, do more, and be more in the next year. I’m looking forward to all the exciting changes 2015 promises to bring.

Phoenix Rising

It all started with the decision to cut off my hair.

To fully comprehend the significance of this epiphany, I must direct you to this story I read shortly after I met Husband Darling. While there hasn’t been evidence to corroborate its veracity, the story resonated with me. I started to grow out my hair with the intention to never cut more than trimming from then on. I let it grow nearly to my waist. I deepened my spiritual connection and learned to listen to my intuition. Then I had this crazy idea to bleach my hair over a year ago near Yule. Crazy idea indeed because the process ended up damaging my scalp as well as my hair. I was having difficulty getting both back to healthy again.

After my relationship with Boyfling fell apart last fall, the urge to whack my hair off rooted in my brain. I wanted something good to come of it, so I looked into donating my hair to Locks of Love only to discover that bleaching renders hair unusable for making wigs. Having that wrench thrown into the cogs made me reconsider the wisdom of cutting my hair. After all I had done a lot of spiritual work in the process of growing my hair, and I did not want to lose everything I had forged over those years. Instead I chose to cut only 10″ off shortly before my 40th birthday hoping that would be enough. A few more months went by with me still having split ends and other issues. I saw it as a sign to literally “cut that Bitch out of my hair”.  I will be performing have performed a banishing ritual on Ostara for new beginnings and balance by burning the Bitch out of my life.

I grew out my hair because I wanted to reconnect my spiritual self to Nature and Mother Goddess. I fought cutting off my hair because I didn’t want to lose that link again. What I’d come to realize through this ritual is my connection was not severed, but the only way it would be clear and whole again was to remove, physically and symbolically, what had disrupted the flow. I feel just as strongly bonded to my spiritual self as I had been prior to muddling my path. All the spiritual gains I have made I have kept. To celebrate and complete this cycle in my life, I have scheduled the first sitting of many to start my Phoenix tattoo at the end of this month. I have felt Her trying to burn Her way out of my back for months now. I know when my Phoenix is finished the majority of the physical pain my body has been holding onto these past several years will finally be released.

I also decided I won’t be growing my hair back out again for awhile. Husband Darling says my spunky self has returned. I like feeling full of moxie and confidence again.  Unlike Samson shearing off my hair has made me feel stronger than I had been in far too long.

Happy

I’m finding myself in a strange place of wanting to write (and often do in other media), but not really having the time and sometimes energy to do so since I’ve been busy living my life. I’m working again (WOOHOO!!), and my days off are often spent with Husband Darling making sure we are connecting on a regular basis or doing mundane but essential tasks that need to be addressed. The best part of it all is I’m feeling really good emotionally and physically, better than I have in far too long. To paraphrase Husband Darling from one of our recent heart-to-heart conversations, I’m closer to the Me I was when he and I first met–vivacious, fun, and bouncy.

I’ve started a few posts that get more into the whys and wherefores and will be posting as I get them completed. In the meantime I want to share this video that a long-time friend of mine posted on FB a short while ago. I think I found my new favorite musical group. Enjoy, my freaky darlings!

It’s a new life for me

Every year I see and hear people say how the previous year was horrible or otherwise not positive. All the challenges that the Universe brings us are simply lessons to be learned in order to move forward. I cannot change my past, but I can learn from it and go forward hopefully a little wiser and with more discernment into my future. 2013 was a year of many lessons for me, and I go forth into 2014 with what I was taught through my experiences–good, bad, or indifferent–and hope that I meet each new lesson with grace and kindness. It’s a new day, a new year, a new life, and you know what? I AM feeling good.

Postcards from the Edge

Life has been full of changes this summer. With everything happening I haven’t taken much opportunity to write beyond in my private journal. Some of the changes I will be writing about and sharing in the weeks and months ahead; some will stay in my private journal as a personal reminder of what I’ve been able to overcome during the tumultuous recent months. For now I leave you all with this little gem that has recently come into my awareness. Some of these lessons were learned recently and hard-won. The Universe smacked me upside the head with the rest to make certain I remembered the lesson.

10 Happy Thoughts, 7-28-2013

1. Kitty snuggles.
2. Sleeping in.
3. Husband-made breakfast.
4. Goofy teenagers.
5. Finishing my book.
6. Watching favorite episodes of Avatar with Husband Darling.
7. Watching Chibi Avatar.
8. Cuddles.
9. Chocolate chip cookie dough.
10. Snoring kitty.

The cutest part about the snoring kitty is listening to Husband Darling snore right along with his cat. So. Cute.

10 Happy Thoughts, 7-27-2013

1. Kitty snuggles.
2. Husband snuggles.
3. Elixir of Life.
4. New Anita Blake novel.
5. Attending the wedding of friends.
6. Watching Boo get her social butterfly on.
7. Husband Darling made a new friend.
8. Geeking out over a video game with a fellow gamer.
9. Boo having a sleepover with a friend.
10. Chocolate chip cookie dough.
11. Backyard camping.
12. Making plans for hanging out with friends.
13. Driving through Husband Darling’s old neighborhood.
14. Getting my chocolate fix.
15. Chubby bunny.

Yeah, I totally forgot about posting yesterday’s list until this morning. That’s what happens when I get to read a long-anticipated novel by one of my favorite authors. I made up for it a bit by posting a few extra tonight.