Who does the rock turn to?

Do you have a go to person whenever you needed advice or a shoulder to cry on? The person who’s solid as a rock and you can always count on them to be there? That “go to” person has usually been me. I’ve always been the Strong One. I have been steadfast for most everyone in my life. Lately I haven’t felt so strong. Between my health issues, raising a teenager, being a wife, girlfriend, and friend, and financial issues, life has slowly been wearing me down.

Who does the rock turn to when she needs to crumble?

Life taught me early on that if I needed an advocate, that person was Me. My mother and maternal grandmother were usually the ones who went to bat for me while I was growing up, but they weren’t always going to be there so I knew I had to learn how to self-advocate. Problem was few people were willing to hear me out (“You’re so young, what do you know?”), or they would betray my confidence, or didn’t care one lick about my well-being. So many people freaked out whenever I asked for help and support, or just simply needed a shoulder to cry on. “You’re the Strong One! Shouldn’t you be able to figure that out on your own?” Even my former partners either brushed me off or dropped me like a hot stone whenever I turned to them for strength and support.

Who does the rock turn to when she needs to crumble?

For the most part I do pretty well managing life’s challenges. I walked away from car accidents with little physical damage to myself though my cars didn’t always fare so well. I moved from my small-minded hometown to find a supportive and loving community of my own. I left an abusive relationship with my infant and my sanity. I balanced going back to school (and later going back to work) while raising a toddler (and beyond) as a single parent. I turned a loss of employment and steady paycheck into a fulfilling and enjoyable job as a stay-at-home mom. I gave my husband emotional support during the loss of his old job and his dissatisfaction with his current one. I kept being optimistic through my current health issues.

Who does the rock turn to when she needs to crumble?

I hadn’t talked much with Husband Darling or Boyfling about what’s been going on with me. Frankly, it hurt more to see the look of worry and concern on their faces than it did to hold onto all the pain and fear to deal with on my own. One of my meds for pain and fatigue was changed about a month ago which when I started really noticing how fragile I was becoming. I went looking for the side effects for the new drug to see if I might find an answer there. Things fit, so I ignored the truth yet again. I’ve been fine all this time. Or so I kept telling myself. You know what FINE means? Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional, to paraphrase a line from The Italian Job.

Who does the rock turn to when she needs to crumble?

I have a very wonderful Heart Family who are very loving and supportive, but I did everything I could to keep all this to myself. I’m not used to having someone who has my back, much less a whole family of people who do. Too many people have abandoned me in my hour of need that it’s hard for me to let myself crumble and allow someone else to help me put the pieces back together. I could pull up my bootstraps and keep on keeping on. I always have in the past. Then I received an email last weekend that, to be honest, I had been waiting to get for a few weeks now. Granted not all the content of that email I was expecting, but I knew then that I could no longer ignore what I have suspected for several months now: I have been sinking down into the depths of depression. I no longer have the strength to swim, or even float.

Who does the rock turn to when she needs to crumble?

I’ve been kicking around going to therapy for awhile. That email told me it was time to stop putting it off. Yesterday I started seeing a counselor. The only person who’s freaked out by it is me. I haven’t been to therapy since I was about 12-13, and that didn’t work out so well for me. All those voices, the tape that plays back all the negative things I’ve been told all my life, had become too loud. Going to therapy just proves I’m broken, right? I won’t go into details, but suffice to say I didn’t have a very good night. My wonderful husband just held me through it all. Have I mentioned I totally hit the Relationship Jackpot when I met him? My Twinnie put a wonderfully positive spin on the situation while we had lunch today. I’m not broken; I’m just purging and re-organizing the thoughts in my head.

Who does the rock turn to when she needs to crumble?

I love my husband. I love Boyfling. I love my Heart Family with every fiber of my being. I know they love me and will support me in any way they can. I now have someone who’s going to help me purge and re-organize the clutter in my head. Third party professional who I pay to unburden my heavy load upon? Yes, thank you!

I’m ready to crumble, so I can pick myself back up again and keep being the Strong One whenever others have need of me.

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Magical wooden spoon, check!

As much as I prefer to avoid drama, I also prefer to avoid being drama. Every now and then I have what I call my “neurotic moods”, and I’m glad they are few and far between. I become pensive and not usually in a good way. I’m getting much better about asking for conversations before things get all ‘splodey, but I’m still a work in progress.

Today while running errands with my mother, I was texting with Boyfling as I often do during the day. We were looking to carve out some time together in the near future, so I pulled up my calendar. That’s when I noticed he had two dates set up next weekend and neither of them were with me. Oh, hello Jealousy! Nice of you to drop in so unexpectedly…. O.o

I don’t get jealous much. I know I come off as confident and secure most of the time, but that has been hard-won and still rather new to me. Hence my neurotic moods do strike, and I’m an insecure mess. Fortunately, all those years of hard work and desire to avoid being drama, I knew this was time for one of those conversations with Boyfling. So I hedged up to it at first, but did text him that I needed to talk soon. He, being the wonderful and supportive boyfriend that he is, made time to come see me tonight.

In the meantime, my brain was going like a hamster running a marathon on his wheel. The bounce between rational and irrational thoughts is always exhausting and frustrating. Being selfish = bad was pounded into my brain since childhood, among other things that diminished my sense of self-worth to the size of a grain of rice. Therapy and being blessed with good people along my journey have helped me turn that around. Old habits die hard, however, and once I’m triggered I’m that little grain of rice all over again.

I’m so glad I finally picked partners who are fantastic communicators and are as allergic to drama as I am! Boyfling came over, we talked, I blubbered, we hugged, we talked more, I stopped blubbering, he gave me assurances, we made new agreements, I realized I needed a check in with my husband, we hugged, he made me laugh, we fucked. Yeah, I feel better.

I spent a lot of time facing my demons and finding ways to make my grain of rice multiply. Those good people? They often gave me tools to help turn my rice into dumplings. Before I knew it I had more than enough dumplings to share, and I’ve become a very rich woman indeed. Sometimes my demons come back to haunt me, but now I’m armed with better tools. Soon I’ll have dumplings to share. Dim sum anyone?