As much as I prefer to avoid drama, I also prefer to avoid being drama. Every now and then I have what I call my “neurotic moods”, and I’m glad they are few and far between. I become pensive and not usually in a good way. I’m getting much better about asking for conversations before things get all ‘splodey, but I’m still a work in progress.
Today while running errands with my mother, I was texting with Boyfling as I often do during the day. We were looking to carve out some time together in the near future, so I pulled up my calendar. That’s when I noticed he had two dates set up next weekend and neither of them were with me. Oh, hello Jealousy! Nice of you to drop in so unexpectedly…. O.o
I don’t get jealous much. I know I come off as confident and secure most of the time, but that has been hard-won and still rather new to me. Hence my neurotic moods do strike, and I’m an insecure mess. Fortunately, all those years of hard work and desire to avoid being drama, I knew this was time for one of those conversations with Boyfling. So I hedged up to it at first, but did text him that I needed to talk soon. He, being the wonderful and supportive boyfriend that he is, made time to come see me tonight.
In the meantime, my brain was going like a hamster running a marathon on his wheel. The bounce between rational and irrational thoughts is always exhausting and frustrating. Being selfish = bad was pounded into my brain since childhood, among other things that diminished my sense of self-worth to the size of a grain of rice. Therapy and being blessed with good people along my journey have helped me turn that around. Old habits die hard, however, and once I’m triggered I’m that little grain of rice all over again.
I’m so glad I finally picked partners who are fantastic communicators and are as allergic to drama as I am! Boyfling came over, we talked, I blubbered, we hugged, we talked more, I stopped blubbering, he gave me assurances, we made new agreements, I realized I needed a check in with my husband, we hugged, he made me laugh, we fucked. Yeah, I feel better.
I spent a lot of time facing my demons and finding ways to make my grain of rice multiply. Those good people? They often gave me tools to help turn my rice into dumplings. Before I knew it I had more than enough dumplings to share, and I’ve become a very rich woman indeed. Sometimes my demons come back to haunt me, but now I’m armed with better tools. Soon I’ll have dumplings to share. Dim sum anyone?