Reflections on 2014

I know it’s been a long time since I posted anything to my blog. I’ve spent most of 2014 with my head down and regrouping after the demise of the 4-corner relationship Husband Darling and I were in. Becoming a hermit was quite appealing for a time, but I also knew that what I truly needed was to withdraw from my very active social life to work on myself again. I had ignored my spiritual self for far too long. I realized I had taken a wrong turn on my life path and found myself lost. I asked the Universe for help with my spirituality and went back to where I knew I was happy–healing others. So I got my license and resume in order.

I applied at the place where I had been receiving massage for the past few years. The clinic administrator had already put forth a soft offer for me to work for her if other places didn’t work out for me. The day I dropped off my resume, I had an impromptu interview with the CA and the regional manager who happened to be in the clinic that day. I also did my practical (giving massage) to the RM then. I gave them my availability and was told to come back in three days for training. I started the following week and have been at that clinic for nearly a year now. I’ve amassed a loyal following in a very short time. By the time mid-September hit, not only was the rest of the month booked but so was the entire month of October! Most of my clients are regulars. Admittedly I have a few favorites, including a pregnant woman who is having her first child after many years of her and her husband trying to get pregnant. Oh! How I love working with expecting mothers! There is nothing more beautiful in my eyes than a woman pregnant with child.

Healing others has been my calling for well over a decade now. Being able to help others heal their bodies is gratifying and humbling. There are days when I’d rather be home because I am tired or want to spend more time with Husband Darling, but the pull of my clients motivates me to go. I am one of the lucky few who absolutely loves their job. The human body is endlessly fascinating, and I simply don’t get bored (unless someone just wants to be petted for their entire session). The unexpected bonus from working my very physical job is that I’ve lost inches throughout the trunk of my body.

Accepting my body has been a lifetime achievement. Once I had Kidlet my modesty button was pretty much removed. Hard to feel embarrassed when several people are looking and poking at my vagina before, during, and after labor. One of the things I taught my massage students is the sooner and more completely you can feel comfortable in your own skin, the better therapist you will be. Clients will be able to tell if you have body issues. Touch does not lie. If you feel uncomfortable, so will they. Moving regularly for hours at a time sculpted my body. When my bestie got engaged as asked me to be one of her matrons of honor, I set out to find a dress. I found something I liked online and went to the brick and mortar store to try it on. I knew I had lost weight/inches but not how much. I was amazed to discover I had dropped two dress sizes! I still get asked what I did to lose weight. I’ll even give all here my secret to successful weight loss:

  •  Belief that my job was good exercise so I should lose weight/inches.
  • Embracing a positive mental attitude.

That’s it. I really haven’t changed too much else in my life. I’ve been slowly changing over the years eating habits and healthier food choices. Working a physical job has helped me rebuild my strength and endurance. The pain I’ve been living with for years has lessened. More than anything else I’ve done, I fully believe that it’s my change of attitude that’s done the most good. I decide whether or not I’m going to have a good day. More often than not I wake up on the Awesome Side of the bed. When others ask me how I’m doing, my answer is almost always positive in some way. I stopped focusing so much on the bad and started focusing more on the good. I’m amused by the typical response of silence as they take that in or wait for the “bad news” that rarely comes. I’ve noticed that more and more of those who are closer to me have started focusing on what’s positive in their lives as well. Our conversations are usually full of happy news or troubleshooting problems instead of bitching about what’s wrong in our lives. I’m loving this trend! I’ve continued being positive even through social media. When I find myself answering someone’s post with anger or resentment, I scrap the whole thing unless I can find a positive, non-confrontational way to respond.

The nifty thing about social media is I’ve been able to meet and friend many wonderful people over the years. As I’ve told Husband Darling some of my Heart Family are people I simply haven’t met in person yet. In early November I picked up a few new followers on Twitter. One person in particular I was interacting with regularly almost from the start. He and his wife were somewhat new to polyamory and had been coming to meetups here in the Portland area for awhile now. My internet 6th sense kicked in and told me these were Good People. I offered to meet with them on a Friday after work, and we did. I immediately liked both of them and wondered if they’d be open to hugs, because as some of you know I’m a very huggy person. Lucky for me I didn’t even have to ask because Q’ouarin (the husband) asked me first. He hugs the way I love–full body and with enthusiasm.

From there forward things moved fast between us. We had our first date November 28th. Uty (the wife) and Q spent the long weekend over Christmas with us. Yes, Scrooge McKitten got over the bah! humbug! of the holidays and actually got into the Yule spirit. And remember when I stated earlier that I had asked the Universe for spiritual guidance? Yeah, that came in the form of Q’ouarin as well. He is a unicorn otherkin (more on this in a future post) and was looking for someone like me himself. The Universe answered us both, and boy! has it been a wild ride so far!

My life has changed and is changing rapidly for the better in just a few short weeks. I’m back on my chosen path of being Love and Light and expect I likely won’t recognize the person I am now in a year. I’m planning to write more, do more, and be more in the next year. I’m looking forward to all the exciting changes 2015 promises to bring.

Phoenix Rising

It all started with the decision to cut off my hair.

To fully comprehend the significance of this epiphany, I must direct you to this story I read shortly after I met Husband Darling. While there hasn’t been evidence to corroborate its veracity, the story resonated with me. I started to grow out my hair with the intention to never cut more than trimming from then on. I let it grow nearly to my waist. I deepened my spiritual connection and learned to listen to my intuition. Then I had this crazy idea to bleach my hair over a year ago near Yule. Crazy idea indeed because the process ended up damaging my scalp as well as my hair. I was having difficulty getting both back to healthy again.

After my relationship with Boyfling fell apart last fall, the urge to whack my hair off rooted in my brain. I wanted something good to come of it, so I looked into donating my hair to Locks of Love only to discover that bleaching renders hair unusable for making wigs. Having that wrench thrown into the cogs made me reconsider the wisdom of cutting my hair. After all I had done a lot of spiritual work in the process of growing my hair, and I did not want to lose everything I had forged over those years. Instead I chose to cut only 10″ off shortly before my 40th birthday hoping that would be enough. A few more months went by with me still having split ends and other issues. I saw it as a sign to literally “cut that Bitch out of my hair”.  I will be performing have performed a banishing ritual on Ostara for new beginnings and balance by burning the Bitch out of my life.

phoenix reborn

I grew out my hair because I wanted to reconnect my spiritual self to Nature and Mother Goddess. I fought cutting off my hair because I didn’t want to lose that link again. What I’d come to realize through this ritual is my connection was not severed, but the only way it would be clear and whole again was to remove, physically and symbolically, what had disrupted the flow. I feel just as strongly bonded to my spiritual self as I had been prior to muddling my path. All the spiritual gains I have made I have kept. To celebrate and complete this cycle in my life, I have scheduled the first sitting of many to start my Phoenix tattoo at the end of this month. I have felt Her trying to burn Her way out of my back for months now. I know when my Phoenix is finished the majority of the physical pain my body has been holding onto these past several years will finally be released.

I also decided I won’t be growing my hair back out again for awhile. Husband Darling says my spunky self has returned. I like feeling full of moxie and confidence again.  Unlike Samson shearing off my hair has made me feel stronger than I had been in far too long.

The Freedom of Change

change

Today my country is celebrating its Independence from its mother country. There will be barbecues, picnics, apple pie, and fireworks galore. Family and friends will gather in backyards to grill copious amounts of hot dogs while drinking beer and soda. Women and men from all branches of the military are recognized for continuing to maintain our freedom.

On a personal level I am celebrating my own freedom–freedom from thoughts, things, and people that no longer benefit me or aid in my growth.  I’m celebrating the end of a chapter in my life so I may move forward to the next. I spent far too long re-reading this last chapter. I had felt stuck on an endless loop (hello hamster wheel) and wouldn’t get off. I made it to the peak of mountain I had climbed. I looked back to see the trials and tribulations of my journey and the joy I felt with each one I overcame. But here in front of me is a whole new world waiting. I have reached the precipice, and like the Fool I must decide to stay where I am, where I am safe, or take the risk and a leap of faith to what awaits for me.

Traditionally with tarot drawing the Fool means to face one’s fears and take a risk.

These past few months I have been confronting my fears. What led me to such a dark and depressive place prior had been due to not wanting to move on. I had reached a place of safety, a place of familiarity and comfort. I was weary from all my previous battles and decided to rest a spell, as my great-grandfather would say. Problem is I stayed too long. This was always meant to be a temporary stop, not a place to set up camp permanently. The longer I stayed, the more unhappy and anxious I became. I paced through my camp, rummaging through everything looking for what I knew I was missing. I overturned rocks, searched through every nook and cranny, and yet I still couldn’t find what I was looking for. Until I turned around to see that vast Great Unknown staring back at me. Daring me to take the first step forward on my next adventure, and to move forward I had to reclaim all the lessons I learned on this Life Journey.

Recently I reconnected with my Spiritual self. Part of my spirituality crumbled when the pagan group I was a part of slowly dissolved. Part of it I kept hidden away because it made certain people in my life uncomfortable. My Spiritual self is a very important part of me, and I had chosen to keep it locked away for the sake of others. These are my beliefs. Others can share them or not, but I will no longer keep them hidden. This is my Light to shine into the World, and to shine as brightly as I once did I must reclaim my Spiritual self.

I had put aside my Calling as a bodyworker in order to be a homemaker for my family. Kidlet was at a critical point in her life where she needed me home. Keeping the home fires burning gave my Mom and Husband Darling security as they left our home to keep it financed. Everyone had healthy food to nourish their minds and bodies. This also gave me the opportunity to take a good look into my health issues and start resolving them. I’m well on the Road to Wellville, and I feel better than I have for years. I’m being Called again back to my passion and joy, to what nourishes my soul because I am able to bring health to others who are hurting. So I am answering and getting all my ducks lined up so I can once again be the Vessel of  vitality I was Called to be many years ago.

My life is making a major shift, coincidentally with my 40th birthday impending. Yes, I am scared, but am no longer frozen by it. I am finally breaking camp. I’m packing with me only what I need and leaving the rest behind. I am freeing myself of the burdens that I have allowed to bring me down and keep me from moving forward. I look out again into the Great Unknown with only Hope and an idea of what tomorrow will bring me. I take a deep breath, say a prayer to my Higher Power, and trust that my next step is in the direction I am now heading.

Wish me luck!

Closing the window

I have a confession. I am not friends with any of my exes. Not one. Not even Kidlet’s *male genetic donor.

Some of you may not think this strange or odd. After all the paradigm many of us are familiar with is once you break up with someone, that’s the end of the relationship. Unless children or getting that last box of stuff they left behind are involved, all communications cease. I didn’t know I was a bit of an anomaly in my local poly community until more recently as I have become more actively involved. Granted not everyone is on friendly terms with all their exes, but most people I’ve talked to are with at least one of their former partners. Not me. Not one.

I know it’s not unheard of to remain friends/friendly with one’s ex(es). One of my closest friends has maintained a friendship with her ex-boyfriend. This is totally possible, so why haven’t I? I’ve looked at all my past partners and soon realized why I haven’t maintained friendships with any of them. I kept finding people who weren’t good for/to me. Some were verbally abusive. Others failed to communicate with me while we were together. One former partner and I did part as friends, but other circumstances (which I won’t get into details here) after our breakup revealed him to be untrustworthy even as a friend. I termed this phenomenon as “having a broken **picker”. 

As far as platonic relationships go, I’ve done a pretty good job of picking people with whom I mesh well and for long term. Add romance and sex to the mix? Let’s just say I was bad at it for awhile. I learned many lessons, painful at times, that helped me get better. Ultimately, that led me to Hubby and Boyfling. (Winner of Relationship Jackpot times two? Yes, lightening does strike twice in one place!)

When the triad dissolved shortly after I met my husband, I left a window of opportunity open for friendship with ex-boyfriend. While I was relieved that our girlfriend broke off with me, I didn’t want to stop seeing him. Our separation was unclear and unresolved for several months until we reconnected, though our friendship was tenuous at best. Finally a couple of months before my wedding, my ex just stopped communicating with me. In the two years since I have reached out from time to time without much response or any at all. I realized it was time to let him go, and I only finally accepted this back in September.

Being the pagan I am, I chose to do a ritual to banish my ex from my life and reclaim the piece of my soul that I gave him. Afterwards, my loving and supportive husband talked with me about the ritual and why I chose to perform it. Something clicked in his head (I watched it slide into place), and he stated, “He was your Peter.” I felt my breath leave my body and tears welled up in my eyes. This is why I married this man. He completely gets me.

I’ve always been drawn to JM Barrie’s tale of Peter Pan. I identified strongly with his heroine, Wendy Moira Angela Darling. My ex-boyfriend had a boyish charm about him. He’s seven years younger than me, and he reminded me of how to be carefree for a time. Yes, he was my Peter. I enjoyed the grand adventures he took me on, but he stopped coming back. Holding onto the hope that he might hurt more than the thought of letting him go. The time had come to close the window. I completed my ritual a few weeks later over the Bridge of the Gods in the Columbia River Gorge as I drove across. I parked on the other side and sobbed out my grief before driving home still sad, but feeling lighter and at peace.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be friends with any of my exes. The ones I had wanted to remain in my life have chosen not to do so, and I prefer to keep the toxic ones away. I’m happy with and grateful for my current partners. My plan is to keep it that way for as long as we all desire to share our lives with each other. If we ever do go our separate ways, I hope I won’t have to close their windows.


*–This term represents about how involved this particular ex is as a parent.

**–Also known as the Relationship Compass.